Doug: Today's post is just silly, geeky fun. The last time I flew, which is almost exclusively when I go to Washington, DC, I had to stand in one of those full-body scanners at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago. I'm not a tattoo guy, no piercings, slight spare tire around the 46-year old middle, and I only have one scar and it's on my left arm. So I'm sure I was quite the bore for the TSA fellow sitting on the other side of the monitor. Lordy, what those people must see. Yuck. Trying in my mind to make the best of the situation, I thought to myself -- jeez, this is what a guy like Daredevil does all day long! He's got this dude's view 24-7!Doug: And then that made me smile a little bit (never a good idea to look like you're up to something when the TSA hawks are watching), and I thought, hmmm -- I wonder what other jobs superheroes could get after retirement? So that's what you're tasked with today -- you tell me. And be just as silly and geeky as you want to be; no one's watching if you smile a bit or even laugh out loud! Have fun with this.
Ha! Very much a MAD Magazine or Not Brand Echh-! exercise, isn't it. Nice. . .
ReplyDeleteDr. Strange would be available to entertain at kids' parties, birthdays, and bar/bat mitzvahs: "By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth, Bunny-spawn, I command thee to COME FORTH from my hat!!"
(He'd probably still advertise in the Yellow Pages, not realizing that they're nearly defunct. . . )
Thor would try his hand and hammer at a little while-u-wait shoe repair shop in some mall, but would be quickly fired after "fixing" some wealthy woman's broken Prada heel with a mighty tap from Mjolnir. He would then overwhelm the power grid as a "boosting element" for an off-shore wind-farm. . .
Quicksilver would open up a kids' tap-dance studio.
Black Bolt could replace Clarence Thomas on the Supreme Court bench (okay, okay-- sorry to wander into the editorial cartoon realm, there-!).
The Hulk has had this idea explored many times before, so let's try. . . cut-rate express-delivery serviceman. . . THOOMING around the world, fighting off monsters & missile attacks, swimming through vast oceans. . . getting the, uh, remains of your birthday cake/mother's antique china/expensive cuckoo clock/irreplaceable documents to its destination overnight-!
Namor would join the cast of The Aquamaniacs at Dutch Wonderland in Pennsylvania. (Which will stand as an inside joke only for folks familiar with the venue and the show-- delightful as both are, in their way).
Tony Stark would become the Designer Maximus for all of the LEGOland parks. . . and use his background to build LEGO-based weapons to take down (or take over) Disney, Six Flags, and Busch Gardens.
Oh golly-- I could rattle on like this for far too long. I'll step away from the podium now. . .
HB
Uh, might I also add as an aside that those scanner images you included are horrifying from a personal privacy point-of-wiew?? What happened to all of the assurances that the TSA would "obscure" the images of folks' personal regions??
ReplyDeleteYikes!
HB
Hmmm, assuming Superman would ever need to retire, couldn't he also do the TSA job?
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I think Spider-man could be one of those skyscraper window-washers.
Storm could become a TV weather forecaster (whose forecasts are ALWAYS 100% accurate).
And I guess Sandman could find work as kitty litter ... :P
I thought they were getting rid of the "naked scanners"?
ReplyDeleteAs for the job thing...anyone with super speed (Flash, Quicksilver, Makkari) could be a courier. Some of them can run across water, so they could be transcontinental. Captain Marvel (Monica Rambeau) would be good at that too, except when she turned herself into light she'd drop the package.
Hulk could get work demolishing old buildings (he certainly has experience!) and Magneto could work at a scrap metal yard. As for Spidey, a window washer maybe? He wouldn't need a scaffold on the sides of the high rises!
If we want to get REALLY weird, how about Wolverine or Punisher working in the complaint department of a store or other business? I think customer satisfaction would take a sudden upturn...
Mike W.
Arggh, Edo you had my Spidey idea too...I have to learn to type faster! :)
ReplyDeleteMike W.
Captain America, motivational speaker?
ReplyDeleteOK lessee now ...
ReplyDeleteQuicksilver or the Flash - put them to work in the postal service sorting all those millions of letters. You KNOW they have to speed that up somehow!
Iron Man - where else but Circuit City? Need advice on what HD TV to buy? Tony Stark could give customers valuable tech advice - and throw in a free set of repulsor ray gloves too!
Captain America - Steve Rogers would probably open up an Army surplus store. Can't survive on an Army pension these days. He'd have loads of old Army junk lying around, and if you're buying something then he'd regale you with old WW11 stories about what a cheap bastard Red Skull was, or why Baron Zemo saves a few bucks because he never has to buy mirrors for his house. American Express only please, no Nazi credit cards accepted.
Hulk - ol' Greenskin would definitely be employed in the construction (or in his case DEstruction) industry. If you need to clear a path to make a highway, just let the Hulk stomp through. Think of all the money you'd save on dynamite!
Wolverine - I can imagine Logan working as a cook in a kitchen somewhere; not in a fancy restaurant, but some greasy dive off the beaten path. Think about it - he's got his own 6 piece built in set of knives(snikt!) which never needs sharpening, never gets lost and never rusts! Wolvie would make short work of carving up a turkey, cutting up a ham or dicing an onion. 'You want fries with that, Bub?'
Spider-Man- Edo and Mike W. say Petey would be a good window washer. True, but how about paperboy? He doesn't need a bicycle - he'd simply web swing around the neighbourhood dropping off your newspapers. Heck, it'd probably pay better than what that old tightwad Jolly Jonah Jameson gives him now for his Bugle pics!
- Mike 'what's a 401K?' from Trinidad & Tobago.
I don't know, Mike, the houses in those neighborhoods would have to be pretty tall for Spidey to swing from them. I think Ghost Rider would make a better paperboy.
ReplyDeleteGood suggestion for Wolverine. Another possibility is work in a deli or butcher shop. He would be great at slicing salami, ham, and other lunch meats for sandwiches...
Reed Richards could rent himself out to children's party's as a bouncy house. (On second thought that's kind of creepy).
ReplyDeleteThe Human Torch could open his own BBQ joint.
The Thing could demolish old buildings, promoting himself as a human wrecking ball.
The Invisible Woman could make use of her years of experience dealing with her workaholic husband, by becoming a couples counselor.
Hmm. Martinex might be able to find work as a living mirror ball in a disco-themed karaoke joint.
ReplyDeleteAny of the assorted Giant-man/Goliaths would settle into a fine second career as lumberjacks (just hand 'em a giant pair of hedge-trimmers. . . ).
Yellowjacket could, of course, take up bee-keeping.
The Beast would open up a petting zoo.
HB (still)
Batman as director of the CIA?
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, HB, I definitely chose an R-rated image for today's post. I typed in "TSA body scanners" and this was near the top. I'm sure those guys see way more than they care to see!
Doug
Cyclops -- The spokesman for Lasik eye surgery.
ReplyDeleteIceman -- Retained by ski slope resort owners to ensure a solid snowpack every year.
The Beast -- The new star of Samsonite luggage commercials.
The Submariner -- Swimsuit and underwear model.
Captain America -- The new host of the History Channel. ("This next Hitler documentary concerns the time I stopped him from ...")
Medusa -- Shampoo commercial superstar.
Thor -- TV weatherman. ("When I say it shall, verily, trust that it will rain.")
The entire Justice Society of America -- Ensure, Viagra, reverse mortgages and anything else hawked to seniors.
First, let me say that the heads of the major banks and financial institutions are already, basically, the Secret Society of Super Villains. Life imitating art! OK, who can I come up with?
ReplyDeleteSusan Richards - Invisible mending.
Ghost Rider – the next face of
L’Oreal.
Human Torch – Insurance inspector.
Black Bolt – speech therapist.
Wolverine – Surgeon General. (Very general).
Banshee – lounge singer.
Dr. Sun – Aerobics Instructor (maybe weight loss coach).
Thanos – Customer relations.
Richard