Thursday, August 28, 2014

Who's the Worst... Pop Culture Television Special?





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30 comments:

Edo Bosnar said...

My vote goes to Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park (alternate title: Attack of the Phantoms), even though I actually like the movie, while fully acknowledging its utter awfulness. (As a kid, though, I sincerely thought it was awesome: a rock band whose members all wore cool costumes and make-up and had superpowers; what's not to like?)

That still you posted, with the guys in full make-up and leather-and-vinyl costumes with heavy, probably polyester robes draped over them, sitting out in the hot southern California sun (next to a swimming pool!) pretty much encapsulates why this movie is both so completely and thoroughly so bad and yet so unintentionally hilarious at the same time. Other highlights: Peter Criss is so obviously wasted in every scene, while all of Gene Simmons' speaking parts are delivered in this "demonic" roar, which - when it was shown on TV - made him almost completely incoherent.

Incidentally, for the curious (or daring), the whole movie is available in segments on YouTube.

August 28, 2014 at 6:57 AM
Humanbelly said...

I may be one of the few folks of a. . . certain age. . . who didn't see the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special (on its one-&-only airing)-- although it was certainly HUGE fodder for conversation at school the next day (my fading memory suggests that we likely had play practice that evening).

Not sure what that second image is from. David Niven or Keenan Wynn in some sort of Fraggle Rock special??

BUT-- I certainly did slog through that AWFUL KISS special-- and I didn't even like KISS at all-! It was just, y'know, EVERYONE was going to watch it, and there was a pretty hefty contingent of KISS fans amongst my peers. Oddly enough, one of the few moments I do remember is the one in the image, where they're all sitting in those tall director's chairs. IIRC, their voices were all inexplicably altered w/ an echo effect or something. Aaaaaand I also seem to recall that they ultimately had almost no dialog whatsoever. Hmmmmm-- wonder what that could suggest. . .

A sort of side-branch of this topic could be the "Last Grab at Fame" category. It wasn't unusual back then for a well-known celebrity to put together a big one-off special for. . . no readily apparent reason whatsoever, other than to keep the star in the public eye. A particularly awful one was a joint production starring (prepare yourself) Barbara Eden (looong past her Jeanne days) and Telly Savalas (possibly the year after Kojak was finally put to rest). This was a musical variety extravaganza anchored around two television stars who were neither acclaimed singers or dancers (although Savalas actually has a lovely rich singing voice)-- and who weren't particularly skilled at connecting w/ a live audience. This aired in the heart of my "I'll watch anything. . . ANYTHING!" years, and yet I finally asked myself aloud, "Why in the world am I watching this?? ANYTHING would be more entertaining-! Let me go get out my stamp collection. . . "

HB

August 28, 2014 at 7:12 AM
Doug said...

When the KISS special was on, we had been living with my grandparents for a time. God bless them, because they only had one TV and they let me watch that show. Even on its first airing, I knew it was awful. But who could avert the eyes? It was KISS -- on TV!!

Doug

August 28, 2014 at 7:37 AM
Edo Bosnar said...

HB, don't know the actor's name, but that's Sinestro from one of those two super-hero specials (the ones that also had West and Ward reprise their roles and Batman and Robin).
By the way, your "I'll watch anything" observation reminds me of the ubiquitous variety shows of the 1970s - but we already had that discussion here not too long ago...

As for the Star Wars Holiday Special - I only saw it once and hardly remember any of it, except that we were "treated" to Chewbacca's family, who were basically the main characters, and a cartoon sequence that featured Boba Fett if I'm recalling correctly. What really surprised me about it was that the pretty much the entire original cast from the movie made appearances.

August 28, 2014 at 7:58 AM
Anonymous said...

Of all the specials pictured, I saw none, absolutely NONE of them. I think I may have seen parts of the KISS special on VHS at somebody's house.

The one that sticks in my mind, and therefore, has to be labeled worst because it's like herpes, it just won't go away, is The Brady Bunch Hour. Even a whiff in my peripheral means a whole day humming "I've Got The Music In Me". How can one ever get the image of Barry Williams screaming "Feel funky, feel good" out of their mind!?! Will this be what flashing before my eyes in those last moments?

One can only wish.....

The Prowler (has clowns to the left of me, jokers to my right).

August 28, 2014 at 8:51 AM
Doug said...

Prowler, it was just the other day, just the other day, people, I swear to God it was just the other day.. just the other day (bridge to "157 Riverside Avenue" off REO Speedwagon's Live: You Get What You Play For album for the uninformed), I said to my wife during a playing of Eric Carmen's "All By Myself", "Dear, do you remember when Barry Williams sang this on one of those Brady Bunch specials?"

Blank stare. A, she did not. B, she wondered why I did...

Doug

August 28, 2014 at 8:55 AM
david_b said...

I'd believe it helps to define the element that really makes it baaaaaaad.

While Lucas still has a contract out to whack each and every remaining copy of SWHS off planet Earth, the ones that to me are the worst are the ones that poke fun at the subject matter, such as that super-hero roast pictured.

When you make the costume-wearers embarrassed to be seen, that crosses the line with me, as seen with Tim Allen in that convention scene in 'Galaxy Quest'.

In contrast, the SW Holiday Special was just 'gratuitous network programming slop'. When my slightly-younger fellow geek cousin gets a bit obnoxous about how great Star Wars was/is, I always cut to the jugular and hone in with this drivel right away.

(then the subject changes quite quickly, actually.....)

HB, spot on with those Eden/Savalas-type shows, it's like watching a primetime special of 'Matchgame' with the Charles Nelson Reilly gang, slobbering around.

Or yet another Lifetime Network holiday movie.

August 28, 2014 at 9:08 AM
david_b said...

How about any Donny and Marie special which included Lee Majors in a dance number..?

I recall a few incidences.

August 28, 2014 at 9:11 AM
Humanbelly said...

Good lord--
I totally forgot about those Brady Bunch specials. They were like watching the Hindenburg go down-- utterly horrific, and yet you couldn't tear your eyes away. The fact that Eve Plumb (Jan) didn't sign on was, of course, a major stick in the eye for creating the illusion of this "delightful" reunion atmosphere.

--Aaaaaaand there was the surreal atmosphere that, somehow, there was supposed to be this Live Entertainment format being populated with entirely fictional characters who were supposedly now accepting as "real" people.

--Aaaaaaaand a truly geek-ish, but annoying, nitpick: by the time these specials were produced, the writers inexplicably jettisoned the whole premise that this was a blended family (as if EVERY FLIPPIN' PERSON IN AMERICA DIDN'T HAVE THE FLIPPIN' THEME SONG SCORCHED DEEPLY INTO THEIR BRAIN-)and made a few jokes/suggestions coyly alluding to the Brady parents' ability to churn out lots o' offspring together.

Reunion specials are another pretty tough subset, I have to admit. Gilligan's Island had three, none of which were strong (Bob Denver was reeeeeally showing his age by 1978, and came across as rather more pathetic than lovable)-- but the third one, THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND, was just an unfathomably awful piece of television. Possibly one of the worst things ever put on the air.

HB

August 28, 2014 at 9:12 AM
Doug said...

The Incredible Hulk movies featuring "Daredevil" and "Thor".

Nuff said.

Doug

PS - I am getting a real sense that we could get some conversation out of a post on "Battle of the Network Stars"...

August 28, 2014 at 9:25 AM
Edo Bosnar said...

Oh, those Gilligan specials. Those were truly bad. They almost make the Kiss movie look good by comparison.

By the way, the Brady Bunch shows featuring them living in a beach house with a fake Jan (who had a really powerful singing voice) and a troupe of synchronized swimmers in the Olympic-size pool in front of their house (?) weren't specials; it was actually a series called the Brady Bunch Hour that lasted for about a half-season.

August 28, 2014 at 9:38 AM
Humanbelly said...

It may be hard to believe, Doug, but I had given up on the television Hulk by that point, and never saw those specials (!). Honestly, I never, ever got completely past the indignity of the name-change from Bruce to David.

I do feel like I should kinda put in a word on ol' Barry Williams' behalf. My wife & I saw him at the Nat'l Theater in DC in a truly terrific production of CITY OF ANGELS about 20-some years ago, and he was quite, quite good as the "Stone" gumshoe character. He really does have a solid, pleasant baritone, and is very natural and charismatic on-stage. Musical theater may have been his better artistic "home" all along---!

HB (who REALLY should be focusing on administrative work that's piled up right now-!)

August 28, 2014 at 9:39 AM
Karen said...

Dang it Doug, I was just about to bring up Battle of the Network Stars! How obnoxious was Robert Conrad? What a little jerk...

August 28, 2014 at 10:01 AM
Doug said...

My mother just loathed those Eveready battery commercials with Conrad. Jerk indeed!

But I did love the reruns of Wild, Wild West.

Doug

August 28, 2014 at 10:09 AM
Humanbelly said...

Omigosh, Robert Conrad's whole red-faced, belligerent "I'll pull my team OUT of this competition" idiocy. Man, you hate to see folks at their worst that way. The guy really was astonishingly tough-- but geeze, he's like the quintessential little guy looking for a fight to prove himself.

Wild Wild West was a big favorite of mine as well, naturally. But Ross Martin is the guy that made it the most fun for me. Brilliant, brilliant character actor.

HB

August 28, 2014 at 10:30 AM
david_b said...

Ahhhh, DON'T be touching those 'Battle of the Network Stars' specials.

The Lynda Carter diving board scene (at 2min,30sec in) trumps all negative, schmaltzy accusations.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDgrwDfowKk

Period.

Besides, they were great fun to watch, even Conrad versus Gabe Kaplan.

August 28, 2014 at 10:49 AM
Horace said...

KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK was my gateway to Kiss. Agreed that it's so bad it's good.

August 28, 2014 at 2:43 PM
Horace said...

Does anyone remember THE LAST DINOSAUR? It was a Toho Studios film that first aired on American television in the late seventies. Low budget production. I remember it most for the jazz ballad theme song.

August 28, 2014 at 2:56 PM
William said...

Horace, "The Last Dinosaur" was one of my favorite movies when I was a kid. I loved me some dinosaurs.

"He was the last… The last dinosaaauuur!"

August 28, 2014 at 3:18 PM
William said...

Sorry, it goes more like,

"He is the last, there are no more, he is the laaasst dinooosaauur".

August 28, 2014 at 3:22 PM
William said...

The DC Super Hero Roast was pretty bad. It actually ticked me off a little when I was young, because they were obviously making fun of the superhero genre.

I'm sure it was all because of the campy nature of the old Batman show. They were probably trying to recapture some that early success.

August 28, 2014 at 3:24 PM
Anonymous said...

I know that it has been overused lately, especially by the youth and internet posters, but Gabe Kaplan OWNED Robert Conrad in their leg of the relay race. He just destroyed him!!!! I guess that's another thing that will flash before my eyes.

HB, and a thank you to the internet, Eve Plumb was on board and on set at the beginning of the "specials" (which they will always be in my eyes) but the producers wanted all cast members to sign on for a five year run. She walked. Which started the desperate search for Fake Jan.

The Prowler (flying down the highway in a makeshift Model TA, we're gonna keep on keep on keep on doing it right).

August 28, 2014 at 4:24 PM
Humanbelly said...

Five years??
FIVE YEARS???

Were the producers not actually watching the program as they were creating it???

Look, I've been in my share of shows that, regardless of the talent involved and good intentions of the folks in the trenches, were just bald-faced clunkers that needed to finish their run and be put mercifully to rest. And the thing is, you KNOW when you're in a show like that. It's never a case of being blindsided by it. And I can promise you that extremely seasoned pros like Ann B Davis, Robert Reed, and Florence Henderson had no illusions whatsoever about the chances of that revival series having an extended life. Heck, they were probably stunned to get more than a couple of filmed "episodes" all the way to broadcast. Signing a five-year contract held exactly zero risk for them, really.

HB (always liked Eve Plumb the best, anyhow-)

August 28, 2014 at 4:44 PM
Anonymous said...

I actually kinda liked those Hulk TV specials with Daredevil and Thor; sure, the special effects were a joke compared to what we have nowadays, the scripts weren't great, but to a true fan it was a real kick to see your favourite comicbook characters come to life on the small screen. The name change from Bruce to David was jarring at first but I got used to it.

The Star Wars holiday special is legendary - but I've never seen it so I can't comment on it.

As for the KISS movie, I remember seeing some of it many years ago, and even at that tender age I could tell that it was awful. You had to be a real diehard KISS fan to enjoy that, and even their most ardent fans would admit these guys weren't even trying to act in the least bit. KISS are hall of fame rock n' rollers but they can't act to save their lives. So, my vote goes to the KISS movie.


- Mike 'how long is Gene Simmons's tongue?' from Trinidad & Tobago.

August 28, 2014 at 9:33 PM
Redartz said...

Guess I spent too much time away from the tv . About the best I can come up with: watched the debut of "Saturday Night Live With Howard Cosell". This featured the American debut of the Bay City Rollers. The Beatles on Ed Sullivan it wasnt...

August 28, 2014 at 9:55 PM
Graham said...

Sometimes I just like to watch that Kaplan/Conrad race on YouTube. I remember thinking that nobody could be as big a jerk as Conrad was being at the time and that it had to be staged, but subsequent behavior on his part convinced me otherwise.

However, I really liked those old Wild Wild West episodes, too. Even watched the Black Sheep series, too.

August 28, 2014 at 10:22 PM
MikeS said...

That was comedian Charlie Callas as Sinestro.

August 28, 2014 at 10:46 PM
Vintage Bob said...

From my first days on the internet (circa 1997) to today, not much irritates me as much as seeing the Star Wars Holiday Special bashed. The phenomenon (of bashing it) has seemingly gone far beyond mere bashing of it to almost a competition to see who can bash it the most. A sadistic internet sport if you will. I've always said that despite all the bashing it gets, I'm willing to bet that a large percentage of those taking part in the phenomenon actually loved seeing it when it first came out. I mean, come on! It was Star Wars! It had original cast members. It had the Boba Fett cartoon! Was it super-polished, high class, superbly done television? No. Was it something that Star Wars fans were excited about? Yeah! Most people I knew growing up who were Star Wars fans really enjoyed it and saw it for what it was - a cheap cash-in on the craze to keep people interested. I watched it recently, and while some parts dragged a bit (mainly at the beginning), I found myself getting into it and really enjoying it. At the very least, it was nostalgic and brought back the excitement I felt as a kid.

Not saying everyone who bashes it is just jumping on the bandwagon of who can bash it more, but there are plenty of people like that.

I've publicly stated that George Lucas can have one of my copies when he pries it out of my cold dead hands. Good luck on that, trust me! Bottom line, it was part of our past. It was something many of us loved, some of us enjoyed to some degree, and some hated. But in any case, it's quite a special piece of history, having aired only one time.

As for the Superhero Roast and the Superhero Challenge, I never took it as superhero bashing so much as them just having fun with the superhero characters. Come on! All my comic collecting buddies enjoyed those shows, and we talked about them for weeks after they aired. It was so cool just to see superheroes on the screen in their actual costumes yet (which is more than I can say for most big budget superhero movies these days)!

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park was the same thing - all the KISS fans I know went nuts seeing that on tv. It was fun. I have all these on VHS and DVD, and still enjoy watching them from time to time.

I think too many people judge them by today's standards and forget when they were made and why. It reminds me of so many people I know who today bash the hell out of disco, but who none the less were dancing to the beat of Donna Summer and the Bee Gees back in the 70s.

August 29, 2014 at 12:40 AM
Edo Bosnar said...

Vintage Bob, I definitely remember enjoying the Star Wars special when I first saw it as a kid, and for all of the reasons you mentioned. And that cartoon with Boba Fett is actually pretty good - I just watched it yesterday on YouTube, when I also found out that the whole special is posted there, so I just may watch it again to see what I think now.

August 29, 2014 at 3:19 AM
Edo Bosnar said...

Vintage Bob, I definitely remember enjoying the Star Wars special when I first saw it as a kid, and for all of the reasons you mentioned. And that cartoon with Boba Fett is actually pretty good - I just watched it yesterday on YouTube, when I also found out that the whole special is posted there, so I just may watch it again to see what I think now.

August 29, 2014 at 3:23 AM

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